Tonight I was feeling a little sorry for myself. Sorry about some recently lost friendships, but then I realized how blessed (? blessed? really ETK? WTF) and lucky I am for the amazing friends I have in my life.
As you all (meaning the 1-2 of you who will actually read this) probably know, Jack died 3 months ago. that last month before he died was extremely trying and traumatic for me. Suddenly this man I had barely known for years. YEARS. comes back into my life and needs help - financial, emotional, legal, whathaveyou. He says he's sorry and sad for the things he's done. He makes those apologies that you know, in your heart of hearts, are the kind of apologies that only a dying man makes. asking forgiveness for his sins, that you can't (whether you believe them or not) deny.
It feels compounded and extra devastating because during that time I lost a few friends that i just didn't expect that from. They just disappeared and removed themselves from my life. You know the friends that are part of that core group, that you just think will always be a part of your life in some way? They disappeared during a time of significant need for me. And, as much as I've tried to take the blame for it over the past few months, it both saddens and pisses me off.
But then, I think about the others. Other, perhaps somewhat unlikely friends or even that core support group you've always depended on that stands up extra tall, that stood out among the pack. You know the ones. The ones that know it adds stress to call so they text multiple times a day just to see how you are. Not even really expecting a reply. The ones who offer to make that 13 hour drive with you. The ones that don't care what your schedule is or theirs but make time to stop by your house for an hour just to have some quality time with you. EVEN IF IT'S NOT REALLY QUALITY. The ones that make time for you to talk you through those last days, hours and tell you what to expect, where to get aid, where to get help and what to do. Give you that permission you need just to feel the way you do and do the things that you don't really want to do (like forcing this man, that you barely know but once really loved to wear a diaper? yeah, those). Those that acknowledge that what you are doing is the right thing, the hard thing and the best thing, all in one? Those that allowed the time needed away from work and responsibilities to attend to family. What would one do without that work family? And the real family, the family in my heart that has loved me and been loved by me for the past 20 years. And the blood family who generously contributed to funeral expenses and provided support to just get through it all, while suffering their own loss.
I don't know if they know that they are the only reason I managed to make it out to the other side. I wish I had more words. to let those people know just how important they are to me. Just how much their support. Their attendance at a wake they hadn't intended to attend. Their attendance at a funeral over an hour from their home, just because we've reconnected on Facebook. Their texts and phone calls and letting me crash at their place when I was mad at Baby. Their (Baby's) apology. The cupcakes delivered over an hour from their hours just because. The hours on the phone with the one and only person I speak to by phone regularly while bawling, drinking and chain smoking. Their love and support when I just really needed it more than any time I have ever needed love and support before in my LIFE. Just how much those little things meant to me. I really think that I can step back from this and say that to date, this has been the one time in my life I have needed others more than any other time in my life. And for those that stood up and stood by me and helped out by providing some kind of support, thank you.
Thank you. I love you all so much. Thanks for making it through that with me.
In honor of that. I vow to pay more attention to those friends. Those who are there and love and support me. Those who don't keep score about who asked who to do something last. Those who don't resent the fact that I am busy and can't always make time for one on one quality time for them. those who fit me into their life and find ways to fit into mine. I vow to make more time for those of you and forget/fuck all the rest. I actually vow to be more selfish of my time. My time with myself, with Baby and with those people. I vow to call you more. I vow to just be a better friend. Instead of spreading myself so thin I vow to focus on those of you who are really really really important to me. I'm cleaning up the fucking clutter, bitches. prepare.
I swear.
Thank you.
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