Problem Solved, well, mostly

All that crying business? PMS.

But many many many thanks to everyone who commented and to CuCu for:

1. offering to bring me a mop, immediately (it's the little things that are so touching, isn't it? I totally cried more when she sent that email immediately after posting my last entry. I even considered asking her to help me clean but found it more cathartic to weep while cleaning myself).
2. offering to go buy me cigs and bring them to me (even though I could walk less than 1/2 a block to get them myself).
3. coming over anyway, even though I looked a fright and was wearing PJs and our house was covered in dust.

I really just don't know what I'd do if I didn't have such a truly amazing BFF! Kisses!

So, I'm in San Francisco now for a work conference. Yay. Not really - but sort of. I will truly be working most of it - meeting people, making impressions, trying to make people like me, etc. etc. The good news is that there are about 4-5 people that I will get to see that I don't see that often and that I really REALLY enjoy spending time with. French for one (we had drinks last night):

On the flight out here I watched a movie that made me even more cry-y, that's when it hit me that it had to be PMS. I mean I do get teary when I watch sad stuff, but I rarely get full-on weepy. Anyway, so I consulted the magic calendar and Voila! That was it.

I also spend some quality time thinking about the whole J situation. I mean, it kind of sucks but other than stressing me out (what am I going to do? how will I feel? 10 years from now will I regret that I didn't try harder and fly out immediately to be by his side? Should I truly take on the financial burden of taking care of this - mainly because I am the only person in the family that can, blah blah blah), I just don't think I care.

CuCu and my dear Cuz help me realize or pointed it out to me that I am worrying about the right things - it's all about self-preservation. I've already done my grieving for him back when I was 17. Maybe through like 25 even. Fucking forever. you know back when, when he decided that I, at 17, shouldn't live with him any more so he could move some tramp he'd just met in a bar into our house? Remember that? He sent me to live with my grandparents? How fucking irresponsible to begin with. Then, a few years later - when he DITCHED my 14 year old sister to LIVE WITH A BOYFRIEND (seriously, a fucking boyfriend) so he and this tramp could just up and move to Japan? Um, HELLO. What a fucktard.

It bugs the SHIT out of me that my two sisters still have the "daddy" we had when we were much younger in their heads. I've forgotten that man so fucking long ago, it's not even funny. It bugs me that the whole lot of them are irresponsible. That they don't seem to take responsibility for themselves or their actions (mainly this is J and the one sister, I can't fairly say that about the other sister, I'm not sure.).

Anyway, crap, I'm making myself late. But I'm not at all cry-y about this now. I felt like I had to clarify - because the last post seemed kind of out of the blue. But that's what PMS, jet lag, and stress do to a person I think.

If I were an honest person, my twitter would say...

ETK is all cry-y.

Editors note: beware, lots of F words below.

But, I'm not. And I don't want anyone to ask why.

I did talk to J today. 15 months to live.

Funnily enough, I don't think that's the cause of my cry-y-ness.

I'm tired. We got home, 6:30 ish (much to Baby's chagrin I made us stop by Target so I could pick up my coolio new iPod Nano - WHICH HAS A VIDEO CAMERA).

So:

• got home
• unloaded the car
• saw the fucking mess that is our apartment (bathroom renovations, remember?)
• stared at that for a while wondering what the fuck I was going to do about it and how in the hell I was going to unpack and repack BUSINESS CLOTHING in this mess.
• just decided to jump in and start swiffering (we don't own a real mop, unfortunately)
• also decided to remove all tarps and make bedroom remotely close to useable
• of course, about this time, Baby is just staring at me and starts yelling because "he knew this was going to happen that you were going to want to clean this whole me"
• REALLY MOTHERFUCKER? AND THAT'S A SURPRISE?
• Of COURSE I WANT TO CLEAN THIS MESS. I'M ANAL AND YOU FUCKING KNOW THAT.

Anyway, so I scream and yell at him that he just needs to go do whatever the fuck he wants and I'll clean. I'm the one who clearly has OCD and wants the place clean, he'd fucking live like that forever if it meant he didn't have to lift a finger, obviously.

But you know what it was? it's FUCKING GEORGIA TECH FOOTBALL GAME. Heaven fucking forbid something interfere with his football schedule.

And then, I thought about it a minute and got really pissed off.

let's analyze this for a minute:

• schedule Australia was a BITCH because of his stupid football schedule.
• So, instead of fucking inconveniencing him, I (BEING THE AMAZING FUCKING WIFE THAT I AM AND ALL CONSIDERATE AND SHIT) agree that, fine - I can go to a work conference one week, come home and turn right the fuck around and go to Australia SO IT DOESN'T INCONVENIENCE HIM.
• You know - so he doesn't miss one single fucking second of a stupid ass football game that they play every single year.
• fine, so I'm tired. We ALSO BECAUSE BABY WANTS THIS DONE BEFORE THANKSGIVING decided to renovate the bathroom the fucking week before that.
• So, here we are schleping the cats down to Pensacola so the work can start.
• here we are schleping the cats back home so I can unpack, repack and head to SFO after a mere FOURTEEN hours at home.
• So then I can spend all week working (admittedly - some of it will be fun, I'll get to see Frenchy! But seriously people? It's fucking work too).
• So then I can come home, unpack, do laundry and repack and head out the day after I get home to FUCKING AUSTRALIA.
• Kill me fucking now.

Anyway, so where the fuck is the THANK YOU BABY (to me) FOR SACRIFICING AND WORKING AROUND MY GODDAMN FOOTBALL SCHEDULE?

Huh?

Fuck off.

Really? I think I just want this to be over with.

Also - wanna know what's funny? The fucking iPod Nano I got was the wrong one, so tomorrow, I need to get up extra early to go return it and get the right one. FML.

I wish I had the energy and desire to post anything about the conversations I had today with my sister and J. I don't. Sorry. I will say that my sister? She's about to go to court for her EIGHTH ticket for driving without a license. My only response was "so....maybe you should stop driving? take public transportation?" Her response "well, how else would I get to job interviews" (She, who hasn't had a job in 1.5 years). My reponse "um, the bus." Her "well, that takes too long".

Huh.

I can't fucking help that situation if you are too stupid to see it yourself. FUCK.

Not even really sure what to say at this point

So. I'm studiously avoiding accepting phone calls from my bio-dad (we'll call him J for ease) and sister right now.

Why?

Well, J was diagnosed with prostate cancer a while back. A few years ago. Don't even know how many. Don't know any other details other than that - don't know how bad it was, how he's doing? if he's cured from that or not. You know, we haven't really had a relationship since I was 17, so ok. No real reaction on my part. Not really sure how to feel about it.

Well, spoke to him about a month ago or so, maybe 2 weeks? I have no sense of time. Actually - I was on my way to get a haircut and was scheduled to get one today, so it was exactly a month ago today (because I schedule them every 4 weeks!).

Anyway, he told me that he was going for more tests. He'd been worse or felt bad or soemthing like that, thought his cancer spread to the blood or bone or something equally horrible. I know, you're wondering how I could not remember exactly what he said but really? that's just how I am. I don't remember specifics like that. I think it's because there are other parts of my life where I remember every freaking detail (like, for example, what a client decided in a meeting 6 months ago, I could probably restate verbatim) so for other stuff - I remember feelings, generalities the gist of the discussion. Like - I remember thinking - whoa, that's bad. Like, something they give people a few weeks or months to live, I thought (I have no clue if that's true or not).

So. Today the results were expected. I even had a calendar reminder that popped up that reminded me I needed to call to find out what the results were. Oh, lemme check - maybe it reminded me of more specifics...wow. I'm GENIUS.

Here's what the calendar reminder said: "He goes in today for the results of a bone scan. His cancer may have spread into his bones. If so, he’ll have 4-5 years at most to live."

Interesting. I'm so anal, no? Well, there ya have it.

Anyway. So. It's obviously bad news. J called. Actually left a voice mail that didn't ask for money. Sister called. Left voice mail that (also not asking for money - seriously, a first) said there was bad news about J. Sister posted on FB, "Bad news surrounds me today. Why is this happening to me?"

Even that annoys me. It's obviously bad news. Duh. But really? It's happening to her? Weird. Never been one to take responsibility for herself - everything happens TO her. She's just a VICTIM. Whatevs.

Anyway. So. I should have accepted the calls right? I saw their names pop up on caller ID. I hit silent. I should have even listened to voice mails right away - but I didn't. I listened to J's about 6 hours after he left it. Her's a bit ago - a few hours after she left it. I am actually writing this before I even tell Baby about it. I don't think I even mentioned it a month ago.

Avoidance.

Why? Well, mainly because I don't know what to think. I don't know how to react. I mean, we aren't close. I don't know if I actually care or not. I really don't. Kinda sad, no? I mean, it doesn't actually effect my life. We haven't had a real relationship (certainly not a father-daughter one) since I was 17. Over 20 years ago. I've lived more of my life without him than I have with him.

I mean, I'm not an awful person (well sorta) and I do care about him as a person. I am sorry that he'll have to suffer. That his life will be cut short. But, I don't consider him my father. I don't really see any impact to my life because of this news.

The only thing I can think about is - will I regret not trying to build a relationship in these last few years? Wouldn't that be a totally fake (and therefore invalid) relationship if we suddenly got all close and shit? Is it worth the effort that would take on my part? Does he actually (really) give a shit how much he hurt me so many years ago?

Ha! I just remembered that at my last gyno appt I filled out that little checklist when you are a new patient. The one where you check off all the diseases that run in your family and I totally said that no one in my family had cancer. See? I don't even think about it.

I dunno. Anyway. So.

In other news:

• I've lost 7 lbs dieting! Woot! Go me!
• I really hate diets. It just means going without the things you want and we all know I'm not very good at that.
• Our master bathroom is finally undergoing renovations. It's been, what, 2 years? that we've lived without the use of our master bathtub/shower. It will make it SO much nicer when we have guests now.
• Baby and I spent the week in FL, while the heaviest part of the work was going on - us and the baby-cats. The cats did not really care for the car trip, but were pretty good. Maddie is an excellent car trip cat. She sat quietly and napped in my lap most of the way (don't worry - both Micah and Mythos got lap time too).
• Baby and I cooked the most awesome meals last night and tonight. Proof is here, here, here and here. Seriously - I did all that shit!
• I talked to a certain in-law tonight and she asked how another certain in-law was doing and I said "horribly, but what do you expect for someone who lost a child?" and "I think she needs to talk about it, wallow in it, in fact". I'm happy I said that. I hope it makes some difference, but I don't really expect it to. I've been told to stop hoping for that.
• I'm so happy, blog, that you can be here when I need to organize my thoughts.
• Also? I was pretty happy that at our last company retreat, an announcement was made about the extension of partnership to me. That makes me happy.

In summary: Anyway. So.

(Also, dear CuCu, who always sends me emails about these sort of posts. I don't wanna talk about it. :) I'm fine. All is well - just trying to organize myself. But thanks, I know you would send me an email anyway).

And for anyone who cares. I'll make the calls tomorrow. Maybe.

Ooooo - there's a movie on I wanna watch, laterz.

Love,
ETK

Madonna songs by album that YOU should listen to

So. I have this friend, who I often have faux fights with about how he doesn't like Madonna (and how I can't be FRIENDS with someone who doesn't like Madonna). Luckily he does actually like SOME Madonna songs. I mean seriously people. REALLY? HOW COULD YOU NOT? Anyway, I was amazed by his open honesty with this particular post, so it got me off my ass and inspired me to finally compile a list of Must-Listen-To-Madonna-Songs. I've said I would put together a list of must-listen-to-songs for him and here ya go!

And LISTEN to them people. If I were cooler, I'd provide links to each song - but honestly, I don't know how. :)

Love & Kisses - ETK

PS - the bolded songs are my most favorite of ALL TIME.

Madonna (1983)

• Holiday
• Everybody

Like a Virgin (1984)

• Love Don’t Live Hear Anymore
• Like a Virgin – seriously? How can you NOT dance and sing to this?

True Blue (1986)

• Papa Don’t Preach
• La Isla Bonita

Like a Prayer (1989)

• Like a Prayer – maybe not GREAT, but a guilty pleasure
• Oh Father

Erotica (1992)

• Rain
• Why’s It So Hard
• Deeper and Deeper
• Words

Bedtime Stories (1994)

• Secret
• Don’t Stop

Ray of Light (1998)

• Nothing Really Matters
• Frozen
• Power of Goodbye

Music (2000)

• Don’t Tell Me
• I Deserve It

American Life (2003)

• Nothing Fails (my wedding song!)
• Easy Ride

Confessions on a Dance Floor (2005)

• Let It Will Be

Hard Candy (2008)

• Miles Away
• Devil Wouldn’t Recognize You
• Spanish Lesson – guilty pleasure