Not even really sure what to say at this point

So. I'm studiously avoiding accepting phone calls from my bio-dad (we'll call him J for ease) and sister right now.

Why?

Well, J was diagnosed with prostate cancer a while back. A few years ago. Don't even know how many. Don't know any other details other than that - don't know how bad it was, how he's doing? if he's cured from that or not. You know, we haven't really had a relationship since I was 17, so ok. No real reaction on my part. Not really sure how to feel about it.

Well, spoke to him about a month ago or so, maybe 2 weeks? I have no sense of time. Actually - I was on my way to get a haircut and was scheduled to get one today, so it was exactly a month ago today (because I schedule them every 4 weeks!).

Anyway, he told me that he was going for more tests. He'd been worse or felt bad or soemthing like that, thought his cancer spread to the blood or bone or something equally horrible. I know, you're wondering how I could not remember exactly what he said but really? that's just how I am. I don't remember specifics like that. I think it's because there are other parts of my life where I remember every freaking detail (like, for example, what a client decided in a meeting 6 months ago, I could probably restate verbatim) so for other stuff - I remember feelings, generalities the gist of the discussion. Like - I remember thinking - whoa, that's bad. Like, something they give people a few weeks or months to live, I thought (I have no clue if that's true or not).

So. Today the results were expected. I even had a calendar reminder that popped up that reminded me I needed to call to find out what the results were. Oh, lemme check - maybe it reminded me of more specifics...wow. I'm GENIUS.

Here's what the calendar reminder said: "He goes in today for the results of a bone scan. His cancer may have spread into his bones. If so, he’ll have 4-5 years at most to live."

Interesting. I'm so anal, no? Well, there ya have it.

Anyway. So. It's obviously bad news. J called. Actually left a voice mail that didn't ask for money. Sister called. Left voice mail that (also not asking for money - seriously, a first) said there was bad news about J. Sister posted on FB, "Bad news surrounds me today. Why is this happening to me?"

Even that annoys me. It's obviously bad news. Duh. But really? It's happening to her? Weird. Never been one to take responsibility for herself - everything happens TO her. She's just a VICTIM. Whatevs.

Anyway. So. I should have accepted the calls right? I saw their names pop up on caller ID. I hit silent. I should have even listened to voice mails right away - but I didn't. I listened to J's about 6 hours after he left it. Her's a bit ago - a few hours after she left it. I am actually writing this before I even tell Baby about it. I don't think I even mentioned it a month ago.

Avoidance.

Why? Well, mainly because I don't know what to think. I don't know how to react. I mean, we aren't close. I don't know if I actually care or not. I really don't. Kinda sad, no? I mean, it doesn't actually effect my life. We haven't had a real relationship (certainly not a father-daughter one) since I was 17. Over 20 years ago. I've lived more of my life without him than I have with him.

I mean, I'm not an awful person (well sorta) and I do care about him as a person. I am sorry that he'll have to suffer. That his life will be cut short. But, I don't consider him my father. I don't really see any impact to my life because of this news.

The only thing I can think about is - will I regret not trying to build a relationship in these last few years? Wouldn't that be a totally fake (and therefore invalid) relationship if we suddenly got all close and shit? Is it worth the effort that would take on my part? Does he actually (really) give a shit how much he hurt me so many years ago?

Ha! I just remembered that at my last gyno appt I filled out that little checklist when you are a new patient. The one where you check off all the diseases that run in your family and I totally said that no one in my family had cancer. See? I don't even think about it.

I dunno. Anyway. So.

In other news:

• I've lost 7 lbs dieting! Woot! Go me!
• I really hate diets. It just means going without the things you want and we all know I'm not very good at that.
• Our master bathroom is finally undergoing renovations. It's been, what, 2 years? that we've lived without the use of our master bathtub/shower. It will make it SO much nicer when we have guests now.
• Baby and I spent the week in FL, while the heaviest part of the work was going on - us and the baby-cats. The cats did not really care for the car trip, but were pretty good. Maddie is an excellent car trip cat. She sat quietly and napped in my lap most of the way (don't worry - both Micah and Mythos got lap time too).
• Baby and I cooked the most awesome meals last night and tonight. Proof is here, here, here and here. Seriously - I did all that shit!
• I talked to a certain in-law tonight and she asked how another certain in-law was doing and I said "horribly, but what do you expect for someone who lost a child?" and "I think she needs to talk about it, wallow in it, in fact". I'm happy I said that. I hope it makes some difference, but I don't really expect it to. I've been told to stop hoping for that.
• I'm so happy, blog, that you can be here when I need to organize my thoughts.
• Also? I was pretty happy that at our last company retreat, an announcement was made about the extension of partnership to me. That makes me happy.

In summary: Anyway. So.

(Also, dear CuCu, who always sends me emails about these sort of posts. I don't wanna talk about it. :) I'm fine. All is well - just trying to organize myself. But thanks, I know you would send me an email anyway).

And for anyone who cares. I'll make the calls tomorrow. Maybe.

Ooooo - there's a movie on I wanna watch, laterz.

Love,
ETK