I took the first step. Which, to me, makes it one of the same old tired arguments.
You know Jason and I are and have been in a fight right? For what seems like MONTHS now - probably a few weeks.
It started all over Twitter. Yep, Twitter. But it just kind of brought to a head something I've been feeling for a while.
I feel like he never makes time for me.
I feel like he only makes time for me when he needs / wants something.
I feel like he doesn't listen when I talk.
I think he has no idea what's going on in my life.
I feel like he just doesn't care about me. Like our relationship is one-sided.
I feel sad that he hasn't made an effort to find out what is going on and try to resolve the argument. Doesn't that, in and of itself, mean that he just doesn't value our friendship as much as I do?
I feel like he's always asking me for alone time - time with just me and him, no others, then STILL doesn't want to talk about anything important. Anything that demands/requires alone time. I almost (or do?) feel cheated when that happens. I mean, look! I fucking moved heaven and earth in my schedule to accommodate yours! I've forsaken everyone else! Just to spend time with you and look how you squander it. That makes me worry I've hurt someone else's feelings! I hate that.
I would do anything for him, would have. But am so fucking sick and tired of that being one-sided. I only can control myself, so to make it better. I don't talk to him.
But then, my feelings are hurt that he didn't care enough to do something about it.
So, as usual, what happens every single fucking time we have an argument. I reach out first. Because I'm sad without him, he's been a relative constant in my life for about 22 years after all. Then later, I'll hate myself for it. Because isn't it still the same old situation?
It's probably time to walk away for good, isn't it?
Last week I had a conversation with M. That's actually when it hit me and I could verbalize why I was so mad at Jason. It hit me that he just doesn't care about me, either enough, or enough for me. :) I realize they can be different. Relationships simply can't be one-sided and healthy for those involved. Either side.
That sucks.
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5 bits of love:
It does suck that he isn't capable of reciprocating the time and effort you put into your friendship. You are an awesome, fun, giving, and caring person. He knows all that.
But simply knowing isn't enough. He needs to show you that he appreciates it. You deserve it.
Regardless of whether or not he comes around, you know you have a whole slew of fans who love and ADORE you. People who would fucking drop everything they are doing just to spend time with you (or, if they aren't in the same city, read what you have to say on the internets).
We love you, Beth Kearns!
Seems my song of the day today would apply to your situation as well (LeAnn Rimes - What I Cannot Change); sometimes, we have to accept what we cannot change, and decide for ourselves what we are going to do with that revelation.
I personally would move mountains to hang out with you too, so I don't get that either; which again makes me think that it's just something about him that you are forced to learn to accept.
I'm a fan. And yes, I'd fucking drop everything I'm doing just to spend a couple minutes with you. :)
You guys are so sweet! :) Thank you - last night got me all thinking about the different things *I* have done wrong and I hope I can find time to post that today. That and just a few random updates. My blog seems so depressing right now and I'm totally not depressed. :)
The thing that's great about you, ETK, is that you're present in the moment. When you're talking to someone, you're really listening and you give back more than you get (at least that's the case with me). The only thing I'll say about Jason is that the things you've said in this post are the same things you've said many times in the past. From personal experience, it's probably not going to change unless he wants it to.
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