Dear 13-Year Old ETK,

Hi! It's me, you. Well, it's what you will be, 23 years from you now, you lucky bitch! I have so much to tell you, but I'm not going to have time to say it all.

Don't believe me? Well, it's 1984-1985. You're 13 and in the 6th grade. Your favorite teacher this year is Mrs. Norman and you are learning that you love and excel at Math. Algebra to be exact. This is the year it gets interesting and exciting to you. You kick ass and Mrs. Norman dotes on you and encourages you (you are probably wondering why chicks think they are discouraged at math and science). God, are you really wearing flourescents? Please. Stop. You love Madonna - stick with that. You still love her. I still love her. Yeah, she's not dead yet. She totally ROCKS. And, while we're on it, if it's not Halloween, just yet for you - this is how hot you'll be:

Yeah, smokin'. I can barely tell you apart from the real thing. I bet you didn't even thank your mother properly for that outfit, you ungrateful bitch. :)

Anyway, so, yeah. You're 13. You are totally in love with Troy Cagle. He'll never notice you, but be happy about that, k? Trust me. You have a solid set of friends, keep that Rachel around - she's good for you and a true friend. You're cousin? She's the best. You guys are spending a lot of time together these days at Nena & Pawpaw's new house.

Believe me yet? Yeah. I know you. But you're probably wondering what I've got to say that's so important aren't you?

I've got a few pieces of advice. Listen, damnit. It's funny, because I think everything that happened did so for a reason. That said, there are a few things I'd see if you can change... :) why not - screw fate, right?

1. Your mom. Cherish her, thank her, love her, respect her. Tell her you love her and tell her thank you for all that she does for you and how much she cares about you. You've only got just over 3 more years with her. Don't be the selfish bitch you want to be during the divorce. Stop being a daddy's girl. Your mother loves you a million times more and won't kick you out of the house when you need her most. Let her know you love her. Don't let her die at the height of your teenage rebellion so you can feel like an ass for the rest of your life. Yeah, she's being a bitch to you too - but just because she cares about you and is worried about you. She wants you to be safe and happy. Move in with her, even if your Dad lets you do whatever you want. He lets you do whatever you want because HE DOESN'T CARE. Get a clue already. She'll die on April 21, 1989. You'll be 17. It'll be hard, but you'll live through that too.
2. Lee. Earlier that same year, your best friend will overdose on Freon. Yeah, Freon. Fucking stupid. Anyway, you'll be right there along with her. You'll watch her take her last breath and die. Just say no, sounds so simple and stupid - but it's really not that hard. When that night comes. Take her away. You're both 17, she'll listen to you. Don't go to that hotel room to party with those losers - go get drunk or something else.
3. When you are 20 or so, a woman will come into your life that will be very much like a mother to you. You know, the kind you get to have when you grow up and they become your best friend too? Yeah, I know - that rocks. She'll be so much like your own mother that it'll make your heart ache just a little. You won't tell her often enough how much you love her awful! She'll teach you some mad justification skills though.
4. Your dad. He's a jackass. Walk away and don't waste your energy looking back. He kicks you out of the house shortly after your mother's death. It turns out to be a blessing in disguise - you develop a great relationship with your paternal grandparents before their death a two years later. So don't waste so much time feeling sorry for yourself and wondering why he doesn't love you. You don't know what his problem is, but it's not you.
5. When you are in college - have your tubes tied when the doctor offers. You don't realize what a rare and amazing gynecologist you have at that time in your life. And, in my life, you pass that opportunity up because you're scared you'll change your mind. You won't. You really don't want kids. Ever. Go for it.
6. In 2002, you'll be in Leeds, England for work. You'll be working with a friend Jaime. He'll say something that makes so much sense you won't believe you never thought of it before - it'll change you're whole outlook on life and the way you interact with others. You'll be your obnoxious self saying something about how great you are (bragging) and he'll agree with you. Another friend will then say "don't encourage her!" and he'll say - "But it takes so little effort on my part and it makes her so happy". That's a big lesson. Learn it earlier - it takes so little effort to say and do things that make others happy. That's a HUGE ROI. Don't just think about it, do it. Compliment everyone. Make their day. Give a helping hand. Little things go a long way.
7. On August 19, 2004 - get loans from everyone you know, borrow money from the bank, cash in student loans, do whatever it takes to buy as much Google stock as possible during their IPO (GOOG). Tell your friends too. It never gets cheaper than that day, it's only up from there baby! Sell in 2007, you'll make 7 times what you put in. Hmm - now that I think about it, you probably won't be able to come up with much money. I'll look into winning lottery numbers for you. It's not just for you - there are some special people out there that you could help out and make life a lot easier for.
8. Start traveling earlier and go camping or on a cross country drive. Pick up a camera earlier. Why wait until you're 35 to discover photography?
9. When you're 15 - step away from that cigarette. Don't start. Yeah, I know, all the cool kids really are doing it. But just don't. It's stinky. It's hard to give up and you'll eat your way away from it and get really fat. So, just don't.

You have so much to look forward to. You'll be a whiney bitch now and again, but you've got an amazing life. You have a fabulous, hot, husband that loves you. He may have a hard time showing it the way you want him to at times, but he does love you. He'll cook you amazing kick ass dinners and he does make the best coffee in the world! You have adorable cats, too many at times, but so fucking cute! You are surrounded by people that love you. You travel a lot, to exciting distant places. You'll go to Romania for Thanksgiving just because you can! You have a bunch of meaningless material crap that you don't really need or want some of the time, but yet you've got this thing in the back of your head that makes you prove you're happy and successful to people who don't matter or care over and over and over. If you could get over that you'd be much happier. You've had, do have and will have amazing friends. Cherish them. Be nice to them. Do whatever you can to make their lives a little easier and happier. That's what really matters, right? You'll have a blog and some people will find it and be mean, but mean people suck - so ignore them. Other people won't understand, but it'll be amazing for you. You'll share and read and learn so much about your friends. You'll develop new and amazing friendships through your blog and it'll be a great outlet for happiness as well as anger and frustration.

I don't know. You're a teenager. You're bound to fuck all this up anyway. Don't be to hard on yourself. You've got spirit and determination. You're tenacious and you'll make all the lemonade you can.

Good luck with that. You rock!

Love,
ETK